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Don't Force It

Have you ever had a hinge partner insist on a particular relationship between you and a metamour? Either directly, or by only having time available that included your meta(s) in the plans? If you happened to get along with this metamour it maybe didn't feel like an imposition; and if you felt like it was transitional or a "price of entry" while they were opening up or your relationship got more serious or "earned more calendar time" maybe it was a situation you were okay with in the short term but didn't expect to hold in the long run. If you really don't get along well with your metamour(s) and your partner still presented this as not just the given circumstances for finding more time but the thing they wanted - "I hope we can have more time together but you need to be more polyamorous and better at being kitchen table like <metamour A> and <metamour B> for us to do that" - that is coercive. This pressure to engage in a very specific relationship style and kind of kitchen table polyamory as if it is superior and as if you're "more polyamorous" if you can do so is unfortunately common.



You have no obligation to have any particular relationship with a metamour that you don't want. Sometimes that will change or limit your relationship with a particular partner - especially if the meta in question is their nesting partner and they haven't done their own work to differentiate their lives and activities. But it's better to be honest about the interpersonal relationships you want than to cultivate a false friendship that causes resentment to fester over time.


This is not to say that some compromise and some effort to accomodate schedules and meaningful circumstances as they are isn't necessary (you may simply be incompatible if it seems too challenging to do so) just that it's really not positive to push for a deeper relationship than folks are settling into based on their preferences and shared interests (and you, hinge, are not really an interest for this purpose). If you tend to date people who you share values but not surface interests with, they might have relatively little in common and not really want to hang out - and that's OK and you should respect it. Does it complicate the schedule of the hinge? Sure. Does it maybe max out the amount of hours in the week you can spend together? Maybe, but so could a job or a hobby you don't share.


Build the relationships you want with your metamours. If you want to be friends, great! Meet up with or without the hinge and build those connections. If you don't, don't feel guilty. Polyamory and your success at it is not contingent on specific metamour relationships - and don't let anyone force it or tell you otherwise.

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