• Laura Boyle

You Don't Have a Metamour Problem


And that title isn’t a Jedi mind trick. Nine times out of ten, your conflict “because of your metamour” isn’t actually a metamour problem. Things it might be instead:


  1. A partner problem

  2. A communication problem

  3. A time management problem

  4. A partner’s boundary holding problem

  5. An insecurity problem on your part

  6. A rule in a previously existing relationship you weren’t informed of, enforced heavily

  7. Hierarchy you didn’t know existed (not knowing it exists is 1, 2, or both)

  8. Blame being passed along unfairly (1- 4 with some fancy makeup on)


If it’s REALLY none of these things - if your metamour has done something hurtful to you, directly - THEN you have a metamour problem. Those do happen, people are rude sometimes, or directly mean or undermine relationships on purpose. But it’s very very rare.





But most often, when folks talk about their metamour problems, what they describe are the hinge not being great at time management and calling it “oh <nesting meta> has these needs I need to meet before I can begin thinking about seeing you, <non nesting partner,” which upsets the non-nesting partner and creates resentment. Or, it’s something like it turning out to be a serious issue for the upset partner’s insecurities that the meta has a habit or trait that they wish they had but don’t, or are still learning (like, as an example, if someone meets their partner in the local kink scene and a meta with a pre-existing relationship has been doing rope for five years and the upset person is just starting out and has only been learning for six months -- the meta offering to help with something or show them how to do something at an event may be read as intrusive or passive aggressive when it’s meant kindly because of insecurity around a shared interest that one partner is newer at than the other). Or maybe there’s a rule that’s existed between the hinge and one arm of this V that the hinge will call at a given time and the hinge has been breaking it when out with the other arm of the V, and it’s causing tension. That’s a hinge problem. That’s a partner problem, a renegotiate the rules problem, a not-between-the-two-metas-but-this-hinge-needs-to-examine-their-boundaries-and-talk-to-their-partner(s)-problem.


But, because love is blind, because NRE is beautiful, because we have a certain degree of forgiveness for those we care most deeply for - we tend to default to saying “ugh <meta> is causing so many problems in my relationship with <partner>, even if logically, looking at all those examples and thinking about it, these are partner problems.


So, let’s all try to keep it in mind, going forward in our relationships when we have that quick moment of jealousy and frustration - these are almost never metamour problems, and our metamours are almost always on “our team” as it were.

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