Shame and Fluid Bonding

If you’ve been around these parts for any length of time, you’ve probably heard my stump speech on the term fluid bonding and why I don’t like it. Which fluids do we mean? Why are they the bonding ones? Why are we equating intimacy and being barrier free during certain kinds of sex? (And- let’s be realistic- for the vast majority of people it’s only PIV and PIA sex, and that’s either erasing a lot of very good sex or erasing a lot of possible vectors for fluid transmission because a lot of those kinds of sex are MESSY when done well.)

Also, if you’ve been around a while, and especially if you follow me on Twitter or have been to my classes through Wicked Grounds or other sex-positive institutions, (or just noticed my podcast commentary) you’ll have heard that I’m a slutty slut (maybe on sabbatical a bit for a couple busy years lately that haven’t had much space for social - much less sexual- life), and that I don’t have a lot of patience for shaming folks for their choices or differing risk profiles around that. Reminder - your risk profile for barriers, birth control, testing, conversations about STIs, research about facts rather than stigma about them, and how you behave re: all of that in your sex life is personal, and none of my business unless I’m sleeping with you, in which case by my own boundaries I’d like a conversation about your choices or you’re outside my acceptable risk level automatically. ;) Plenty of monogamous folks in their serial monogamy behave in ways that are outside of my risk profile, by testing rarely and preferring not to use barriers as soon as they trust partners; and plenty of polyam folks are running mostly on vibes and are outside my risk profile too. Likewise, I’m outside of some folks’ profile because I will go unbarriered for some activities based on test results and trust sooner than they would and without vetting an entire network.  (That historic sluttiness with attitudinal continuation to the present? I want to figure out how we get this thing to happen if we’re interested and attraction, schedules, and styles of relationship haven’t blocked us already.)

So when my good buddy Andrea, @infinitepolyam on the socials, said half-jokingly in response to a threads post that one of her favorite things about polyamory was multiple creampies- I said “you go, girl,” hit like, and kept scrolling. A couple hours later when I logged back in and folks were all over her for being “irresponsible” and encouraging unsafe behavior and a bad image of polyamory — have you all lived in the world?? First, she shouldn’t in a short-form post have to explain at length that these are her long term partners and everyone gets tested at intervals so the unsafe crowd can go suck a lemon. But second, even if they weren’t, people are just allowed to be adults who make choices and it’s not your job to be the puritanical police who go “our relationships aren’t about sex and you can’t like the sex about yours.”

It’s only your job to determine your own risk profile - what makes you comfortable to engage in relationships and activities? What questions do you need to ask, tests do you need to take and see results of, steps do you need to take, before you have a new partner? Are they different for a kiss than for pants-on activities than for manual than for oral than for penetrative sex?

When this topic comes up on the (largely monogamous) internet the results often include a lot of “well, I test between partners IF I haven’t been using barriers” and in the polyamorous discussion it’s more often time bounded or regardless of barrier use which might account for the data that shows that despite higher numbers of partners, polyam people have similar STI transmission and treatment rates as monogamous people.

Not everyone will be on the same page as us - some folks need to see paperwork a week before a date where they plan to get intimate and run it by all the partners they’re presently in a network with; some people make all the decisions independently but have high requirements for testing and barrier use, including for oral (Lorals make a great dental dam alternative if you can tolerate latex); and some are fairly laissez-faire and running on trust, vibes, and quarterly tests. Check in wifh yourself, be honest with your partners about your practices- and if you’re as all over the place as I was in my early 20s, look into PrEP since it’s more widely available now! There’s nothing wrong with being anywhere on the spectrum of only seeing your regular partners to having a new one all the time - so long as you’re clear with yourself and them that that’s what you’re up to so that someone who isn’t comfy with that can opt out.