Dating Asexual Partners

I was asked about dating asexual partners in an email after we briefly mentioned in the first episode of season 2 of the podcast that polyamory can be a fulfilling choice for asexual people as an alternative to monogamy. Since I’m not an asexual person, I don’t presume to write any of this from that point of view, but here are some ideas about how, as an allosexual person who might form a romantic connection with an asexual person, one could be mindful and supportive of that.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the term, asexuality is a sexual orientation defined by lack of sexual attraction, and is often viewed as a spectrum from no sexual attraction AND sexual repulsion through varying degrees of limited sexual interest up through demisexuality - sexual attraction only after building emotional connection with someone)

The first and most obvious thing is: don’t pressure your partner into any sexual activity they don’t want to participate in, even if they’re one of the people on the asexual spectrum who are not sex-repulsed, just not attracted. In order to avoid putting that pressure on, there are several options available. For polyamorous people, the obvious option of having both asexual and allosexual partners if you’re allosexual, and meeting your sexual needs with the partners who are mutually interested in that. The one available in all kinds of relationships, both monogamous and polyamorous, is to meet your own sexual needs - masturbation is always a good option. If they’re interested in sex sometimes, for you or for themselves under certain circumstances, enjoy it! But don’t push, and accept that this may not at all be an aspect of this relationship.

Second, though - and maybe it should be first - make sure your partner knows they are loved and cherished and the relationship is important. Enjoy nonsexual touch with them. Snuggle. Have fun. Do all of the things that make you want to be together. Isn’t that the point of relationships anyway? To love each other, and spend time together? Whether or not that time is sexual is just a matter of preference.