• Laura Boyle

Rival Polyamorous Cult Leaders Engage in Fisticuffs at Local Event

Medium Size City, Northeastern State, USA - January 16, 2020 - A sight unseen in public in over five years, and unlikely to take place again for quite some time unfolded at an upscale local bar last night. While attending a semi-public event for non-monogamous individuals, two men in their 50s were removed from the venue and placed under arrest for a disturbance of the peace. While over ten people appear to have been involved in the altercation, the two men arrested “Run rather influential groups that espouse polar opposite philosophies about non-monogamy, and they got into a discussion that went out of control. It’s a shame, our attendees are usually very understanding of differences of opinion,” the event’s organizer, 36-year-old Mike Niceguy of Local Suburb, told this reporter.


The bar manager had the following comment on the situation: “Mike’s event usually draws 60 or more people, it’s great for business and he’s a really good guy, as are most of his acquaintances… but nobody had offended the older dude who shows up with a harem into leaving before the hippies who I guess also have an older guy frontman arrived, and it got wild.” It appears, from the police’s information, that two women in their 30s who state they were “trying to free misguided young people from servitude to a cult leader” opened the incident by insulting the 22-year-old date of self-attributed “Polyamorous Guru” Wise Elder (53), who became embroiled in an increasingly heated debate about “whether only polyfidelity was real polyamory.” A party attendee who observed the incident described Wise Elder as “an obnoxious cult leader who usually leaves in a huff way before the free love hippies even get here.”





The “free love hippies” and “polifidelity is the only real polyamory” crowds might have parted ways, frustrated but peacefully, had Burningman Enthusiast (58) not entered the fray, spilling his beer on Wise Elder whilst gesticulating. Thus began the physical fight, ended only when Mike Niceguy and the bar’s bouncer had physically separated the men, who by that point were both rather worse for the wear. Burningman Enthusiast reached out to this publication to request that we report on “The horrors of false ownership Wise Elder is imposing on young women”; but since both men report the other to be a cult leader and false idol, all this reporter can do is shake her head at the deplorable lack of decorum displayed at a well-regarded public event that has, by the bar owner’s account, run without incident monthly for the last three years.




If that was not clearly a joke to you, please have your sense of humor adjusted by a certified technician. If you didn't catch the references to both Rival Cult Leaders, the Wise Elder Who Leaves as Soon as He's Questioned, the Burningman Enthusiast, and the Up-and-Coming Event Organizer, please see The Polyamorous People You'll Meet.


If you're personally attacked by any or all of these stereotypes, consider some therapy, and if you have witnessed an unnecessary physical fight over a philosophical discussion of "how to do non-monogamy," welcome to the club; but also, I'm sorry.


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