Change and the Power of Paradigm Shifts

The biggest paradigm shift between traditional monogamy and non-traditional relationships of any kind (relationship anarchy, whether you practice non-monogamy or not; and most non-monogamies) is viewing relationships as serving people, rather than people as serving relationships.

That is, it's not up to us to protect the structure we've picked for our relationships against change or outside influence, but rather we should be trying to fulfill our needs and wants in relationship - in all our many human relationships - and the way we do this gets to flexibly shift and change year to year without being a failure in any way. Folks also get to use one of the primary skills of successful non-monogamy and get self-aware about their own needs and decide how best to manage those. I often call this being the project manager of your own needs - deciding which needs you manage yourself, which ones partners help you meet, which ones you meet in relationship with friends, which ones with family, etc.

By releasing the idea that it's our relationship structure that needs protection, or that "the relationship" is the thing we serve, we can treat problems as the problem and our partners and friends as our collaborators. Our relationships that change aren't broken or failures, they're undergoing transitions. Sometimes these transitions are hard; cultural messages can make them harder. But we can allow for honesty and openness about ourselves and vulnerability with the people we love. As the RA manifesto says, "trust is better" - and we can trust each other with emotional truth about where we're at and what we need and dont need from relationship right now.

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Join me for two classes coming up --- July 28 I'm teaching WTF is relationship anarchy with Annie Undone - tickets at https://wtfisra.eventbrite.com and August 11 Libby Sinback and I are teaching Turn and Face the Change - tickets at https://facethechange1.eventbrite.com